I passed a car in a parking lot the other day that had one of the most confusing stickers I’ve ever seen. Overlaid on top of the puzzle piece autism awareness ribbon were the words, “Learn About Autism or Shut Up.” Think about that one for a while, then I’ll continue.
Ready for my rant? Good, here goes: how did that sticker do anything for the autism community? Or for the child whose parents own that car, for that matter? It was harsh and abrasive, and it projected an ugly attitude towards people who are not affected by autism.
First of all, this is 2012. I would venture a completely uneducated guess that there aren’t that many people left who are wholly unaffected by autism. Look around. The numbers would indicate almost everyone knows someone with autism. But more importantly, these aren’t the dark days of autism, the days back when the mothers were blamed for causing the autism–or “Refrigerator Mother Syndrome,” as it actually used to be called–or the days when parents had to fight to even get their children into schools, let alone get them the services they need.
Now, I am the first to admit we have a lot of work to do towards uncovering the causes of autism and discovering better ways to help these kids. We are about to face a crisis of Biblical-plauge-proportions when this generation of identified autistic kids grows up and has no viable workforce to enter.
But as far as the attitudes, the need to tell outsiders to get with the program or “shut up?” No. The era of the point-and-stare mentality is behind us. Stickers like that one only cause irritation and hurt feelings. People are still afraid and cringing when they approach me to ask, “Should I hug her or not?” when they meet Carrie, as though they are embarrassed by their own ignorance of autism. If my child had a rare form of elbow cancer, I wouldn’t expect you to know what to do. My child has autism, and I’m grateful that you even want to interact with her. Telling you about Carrie is my job, it’s not on your shoulders to go look up everything you can about autism in case you bump into someone in the grocery store who needs your understanding.
More importantly, why is this on your car? Where were the other stickers for your other children, the ones that said, “Learn about redheaded kids or Shut Up” or “Educate yourself on astigmatism or Go Away!” Do you have awareness magnets for your kid who struggles with math? No? Then why did you single out autism? Why did you feel like you had the right to tell the whole world that one of those three beautiful kids exiting that vehicle is not normal? It was nobody’s business but his.
It sounds to me like the person who placed that sticker on her car has some learning to do herself.
I fully agree that we have come a long way from the ‘dark days’ of autism however we are far from the ‘enlightened understanding’ either.
Yes, the sticker was abrasive and some parents of children on the spectrum have been made to feel those emotions from many who *do* point, stare, jeer, and some who make nasty comments that are equally abrasive. It is difficult as a mother of a child on the spectrum, and someone who has many friends with children on the spectrum, to miss the negativity thrown at us. I’m blessed in that my son is high functioning and does communicate with some mild level of competence, by other’s standards. Many of my friends and associates know more of the harsh aspects of the world’s shadow being cast upon our children (young and old) in everyday situations.
While I don’t agree with the bumper sticker being so harsh, I full comprehend the reason someone might select it.
You make valid points about singling our children out and I have caught myself making that mistake as well. At times I know I’ve done it, hoping for a touch of understanding in the matter. At times I’ve done it with both of my children. For the most part, I know I make an conscious effort not to do so. It’s a struggle knowing where the balance is between wanting understanding, needing acceptance for ourselves and children, and overdoing it.
Many of us get tired of those people who make snide comments about ‘controlling our children’ and we are exhausted by the constant lack of help we get because people, family included, are unable to ‘manage’ our children. It is unfortunate that some feel the need to be abrasive about how we are looked at, but that abrasion is founded in exhaustion, emotional frustration, and physical limitations provided by our circumstances. Yes there are so called resources for us as parents, but only after you’re rejected time and again because you’re a so called ‘competent’ parent will you really understand why someone may get upset enough to make that kind of statement.
Many of us may need a new approach, many more of us need a helping hand and understanding.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! There are a million different approaches and a million different coping mechanisms, mostly because there are a million different autisms! My daughter is partially verbal and mostly potty trained, so I don’t dare judge someone whose child is in diapers at 12yrsold…maybe this woman has fought more than I’ve had to. I just hope my readers realize that there is a lot of support if we’ll look for it. It’s not YOUR job to go learn about autism if it hasn’t impacted your life. It’s MY job to help you interact with my daughter in the way that she needs.
Maybe I’m likening this to a speaker I heard in college. The woman was profoundly hearing impaired and was there to do a presentation on awareness. She told us through her translator that she CAN speak, but that she chose not to because it’s not HER job to learn to speak, it’s OUR job to learn to sign. WTF? Do I also need to learn Braille so blind people don’t need to use a standard typewriter? We can take our awareness and adaptations too far.
And yes I do realize that you personally know what I’ve mentioned, but I know many ppl don’t, and I think that gets under my skin more than I can explain.
I have to admit that I’ve yet to encounter more than a handful of people who’ve ever stared or been rude, but it’s mostly because I head it off. If Carrie starts acting a little crazy, I don’t expect a) others to sit by while she screams in a store or a movie and b) I will not let her embarrass herself by letting her stay in there. I think my attitude towards her more obviously autistic behaviors has kept us from being on the receiving end of a lot of the negativity you hear about.
Of course, it is also just a really great time to be alive if you have autism. So many more people are familiar with it now that they at least can see someone and think, “Maybe there’s something wrong with him?” instead calling out, “What’s wrong with you, boy? Stop that noise!”
While I see where you are coming from, let’s not throw stones too fast. Maybe this person had a REALLY bad day with her child and being out with people who mean well, but don’t really “get it” and with sharpie in hand did the only thing she could do that day besides go screaming and yelling, running naked down the street. Or punching someone in the mouth. That might have been her knot that she tied at the end of a very long rope. Just a thought.
I agree with you, and I’ve made plenty of those snap-decisions on a bad day. This was a professionally made sticker on her back window. More than the abrasiveness of it, I worry about her child. Maybe her child is like mine and can read very well, but can’t talk well. He sees that every time he gets in the car.
I remember someone (in a show of extreme support) offering to contact the city and ask for a street sign for our street that indicated a handicapped child lived there. I know the whole point of those signs is to get people to slow down, but my daughter would be mortified if I posted a sign in front of our house!
I thing I’m equating these in the same way.
I too, can understand the occasional sentiment of “Learn about autism or shut up”. I think putting it as a placard or bumper sticker, well… it carries it a bit too far. As the mother of a (now) adult child with high-functioning autism, I’ve had my share of people who only looked at the outward quirks and weird behaviour and were not even interested, in the slightest, of learning “why”. It’s like the ceiling on their learning stopped at “look at the weird child and her mother.”
I agree, but the only point I would even dare to argue is that your child is now an adult. I’m sure even as little as ten years ago, things were very different for these kids and for their struggling parents. When your child was diagnosed, you may not have had the internet to turn to for information and advice. The book I wrote was simply because everything I found available to me in 2003 was so bleak…I can’t imagine what you were able to get your hands on when your child was diagnosed.
I just feel like it’s a much better time for autism in terms of awareness from the general public.
Thanks for reading and commenting!